Saturday, October 15, 2011
It never goes away
I always knew in my heart that when my precious Nana was gone it would be heartbreaking. The past year has been a roller coaster of grief. I hit the angry phase and stayed there for awhile. Lately I have been wavering between feeling numb and remembering the happy stuff.
It is hard to describe the heart wrenching pain of losing someone. Even when you know it is coming, it still hurts as bad as if it happened quickly. I spent six months just remembering that last month with her. Going over every detail, wondering if there was anything I could have done different. When I finally got past that part, I was so angry with her. Wondering why she did not love me enough to take better care of herself.
Now in this phase, when I think about my Nana, which is often, I can finally remember the good stuff. And yet ... as the one year anniversary of her passing fast approaches, I am finding myself right back at the beginning. When I think about Nana now I remember those days again.. and the pain.. and the questions.
You see the nurse told us that we should tell her it was okay to go. I could never bring myself to do that. I never asked her to stay, but I never held her hand and told her she was okay to go. I just told her I loved her! I still to this day wonder if she held on so long because I did not tell her it was okay.
Nana and I have always had a strong bond. I was blessed to be able to grow up with her, she was an amazing woman who taught me a lot about everything. I grew up with an appreciation for things beyond my years. I love black and white movies, the opera, Al Jolson, The Rat Pack (not the Brat Pack) and so many other things. All because of her. I know how to play just about any card game there is, and have an appreciation for people who have a different belief system than I do. These are all things that I learned from my Nana.
As I write this, I find myself falling back into the angry phase, still wondering why. Why didn't she go to the Dr? She knew she was sick. Why didn't she take better care of herself? Wasn't I enough of a reason for her to stay? They are all selfish questions, but they are still there. As I revisit all of these questions I have a lump in my throat and my chest hurts.
I actually have about fifteen unpublished blogs that I called Letters to Nana, they are deeply personal and as I read them now, I still cry. Does it ever get any better? And if it does I am not sure I want it to stop hurting. If it does, does that mean that I am okay with her being gone? Because I never want to be okay with it, I just want it to not hurt so much!